Paper & Glam

Monday, May 20, 2013

This is the Part Where You Find Out Who You Are

Do you ever fall into an existential crisis, and you can't remember the point of it all?

That's where I've been living lately. The last time I fell into this perverse, foul little mood was after I graduated from college. Instead of being excited to start my post-collegiate life with youthful resolve, confident that I would tackle the coming years with optimism and tenacity, I was depressed by the thought of spending the foreseeable future sitting behind a desk waiting for 5 PM five days a week. In that tempest of confusion and catharsis I moved to Denver. In other words, I ran away.

Five years later, I find myself back at the same crossroads, exhausted, burned out, and lost. I'd love for you to think I have it together; but the truth is, in spite of the grace, love, and opportunity life has shown me, I still feel lost.

It's not that I don't appreciate my life, deeply, I do. As I type, Sunday (my puppy) carries around her pet elephant, Ellie. Ellie has holes in her ears from Sunday carrying her around the house. Where Sunday goes, Ellie the elephant goes. I find Ellie on the deck, in my bed, and hidden in the cabinet that houses the snacks.

I'm smiling, but I'm lost.

Do you ever feel lost like you can't see the future, and you can't manage to get the present right either?

Last Monday I woke up at 4 AM to write a post inspired by The Great Gatsby, and I spelled "Gatsby" wrong. Really?! I'm about Fitzgerald like I'm about God, glam, Vogue and Voltaire.

What's happening to me? I'm just going through the motions, but I'm not all there.

This week in my haste to get my inbox down to double digits, I sent out an e-mail to my team with "region" auto-corrected to "groin." Where is the Holy Spirit when you need Him?

I haven't done laundry in so long I wore swimsuit bottoms to work. A co-worker commented that she'd never seen my nails unpolished and I thought, Well, I've never worn a bathing suit to work but here I am.

I thought I was past this stage of quarter life crisis. I thought I'd learned the secret to joy is learning to live above my circumstances. Learning to live above our cirmcumstances is a crucial lesson, because when our happiness has no dependencies we're free.

I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I've found the recipe for being happy whether hands empty or hands full. Whatever I have, whatever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am.

{Philippians 4:12-13,23, MSG}

But what happens when it's not external circumstances we're fighting? What happens when you realize the monster under the bed, is inside of you?

I won't run, and I'll try not to hide. I won't date over these feelings, shop over them, drink over them, or work over them, and I won't do some combination thereof. I won't try to escape.

I'll work through this.

I'll be honest and vulnerable. I'll say what I mean and own what I feel. I'll trust that I'm safe, and though I feel lost, I'm right where Gods wants me.

Pain is God doing surgury, removing what's holding us back. Pain humbles and reveals where God is working and healing. Pain empties us of ourselves and frees us from what enslaves.

Here's great advice on what to do when we feel lost:

"This is a great time to start counseling. Unravel the knots that keep you from living a healthy whole life, and do it now, before any more time passes. This is the perfect time to get involved in a church that you love, no matter how different it is from the one you were a part of growing up. Be patient and be prayerful, and decide that you're going to be a person who grows, who seeks your own faith, who lives with intention.

There is a season for wildness and there is a season for settledness, and this is neither. This is a season about becoming. Now is your time. Become, believe, try. Walk closely with people you love, and with other people who believe that God is very good and life is a grand adventure."

{Shauna Niequist, Bittersweet}

If you're lost, hold tight to your faith and the people who never let you go. The quickest way to find yourself is to lean into the hurt, and let it teach you what it came to teach you. If you run, you'll escape the pain, but you'll lose the lesson. Then five years later, the same feelings will come knocking on your door, asking if you're ready to feel the pain to get the growth and the freedom that came with them.

Why do we suffer under a just God?
This is a knot that must be untied.
{Voltaire, 1755}

It's ok to be lost, it's good that you're here. This is the part where you find out who you are.

Love wins,
Lisamarie

Posted at 06:00 AM in Love Wins | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)

Monday, May 13, 2013

The Great Gatsby & Hope Deferred

The Great Gatsby: Have you seen the movie or read the book?

The Great Gatsby is the story of a man known for throwing decadent parties shrowed in mystery, parties he hosts but never attends. The Great Gatsby strikes at the fear that we will walk through life without living it, going to the party without experiencing it.

Like all great writing, the story is enchanting and haunting with undertones of our greatest fears: unfulfilled dreams, unrequited love, hope deferred, and a life unlived.

Gatsby doesn't pursue the love of his life because he isn't wealthy enough. When he's ready to pursue Daisy and feels like "enough," she's married to someone else and it's five years too late. It's tragic, but there's clarity.

It's tempting to waste our lives waiting to be good enough, or waiting for the waiting to be over. It's tempting to believe that we're not enough for our future, or that we're not enough to receive grace, love, and healing.

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick,

but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."
{Proverbs 13:12. NIV}

The story of the Bible is God loving people into their futures. It's not a story of anyone being good enough. It's a story of flawed people who don't feel like enough, life gets hard and there are countless reasons why God isn't who He says He is...and then God comes through.

When things are going my way, according to my timing, life doesn't take much resolve, faith, or perseverance. It's easy to motivate myself when I think I know what's next, when I have plan and vision for the future. But when the page is blank, and the storyline is confusing, and we're lost and emptiness sets in, that's when our faith becomes real. That's when we learn to say even if, to choose faith, and choose to say today is magic.

"Celebration when your plan is working? Anyone can do that. But when you realize that the story of your life could be told a thousand different ways, that you could tell it over and over as a tragedy, but you choose to call it epic, that's when you start to learn what celebration is. When what you see in front of you is so far outside of what you dreamed, but you have the belief, the boldness, the courage to call it beautiful because the force of your belief and your hope and your desperate love for life as it is actually unfolding, has brought a blessing from a curse, like water from a stone, like life from a tomb, like the actual story of God over and over.

Nothing good comes easily. You have to lose things you thought you loved, give up things you thought you needed. You have to get over yourself, beyond your past, out from under the weight of your future...We become who are in these moments."

{Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines}

The story of the Great Gatsby reminds us not to leave life unlived until we are enough. Often we become who we are while we are waiting for life to begin again.

If you're weary today, remember we're called to love our lives as they are actually unfolding. The Great Gatsby reminds us that "we can't recreate the past," but we can be loved into our futures by a God who comes through, making us new with summer and grace.

Love wins,
Lisamarie